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Ryan

[ website | Seriously Though ]
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I'm Back... [03 Aug 2007|01:09pm]
[ mood | rejected ]

Well its been a looooonnnggggg time since I posted here but here I am again.  I read through a few of my previous posts and its amazing how either I don't learn or life loves to repeat stuff.  Basically, here I am again because my girlfriend left me.  It wasn't the same one I wrote about before, its another one.  This woman did remarkably the same thing my previous ex did.  It looks as if she left me for another guy who I was suspicious of.  When I get these suspicions I need to just cut the woman go right there.  Now to be fair maybe she didn't leave for this guy.  I haven't bothered to look back because it hurts so damn much.  She simply told me she wasn't ready for how intense our relationship was and that she needs to be single and alone for a while.  She has since then proceeded to try to push me out of her life in every way imaginable.  It hurt reaaalllllly bad!  When we were together she told me I was the man she was looking for, someone who met her needs emotionally, phsyically and mentally.  She told me she loved me and that I was who she wanted.  Then suddenly its too much and too soon.  I could have seen myself with her and been a very happy man for the rest of my life.  I would have done everything i possibly could to make her happy every day.  Now its all gone and I feel so cold and so lonely.  I hurt, I hurt horribly!

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OK... [04 Oct 2003|02:33pm]
I watched Once Upon A Time In Mexico last night, FINALLY!! Pretty good flick, some funny parts. I know I haven't updated much lately, I just haven't been in the LiveJournal mood if you will. A movie I did see that was REALLY good was Boondock Saints, very cool shit. I got invited to my company's Christmas party which must mean they are planning to keep me around until then, WHEW! That's about it, nothing really BIG happening right now.
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Cleaing Up... [24 Sep 2003|08:32pm]
Ok to clear up some confusion people seem to have had, my ex didn't know the guy the whole time throughout our relationship. The whole time she did know the guy I was uncomfortable with him.
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Right-O [19 Sep 2003|12:24am]
So I was minding my own business checking my e-mail last night when my ex-g/f IM's me. I'm like OK whatever, no biggie, I can do this. We start off with a normal civil conversation but like all conversations since our break up it goes downhill. She asks why I haven't contacted her at all. Well maybe the fact that you pulled my heart out of my chest, shattered it, stomped on it, burned the pieces and then spit on it could be a reason for that. She said she noticed I was hiding my feelings when we were talking, and she was right. That's when the floodgates opened, if just for a bit. I told her I have avoided her because she hurt me so bad and because I still had unresolved feelings for her. She apologized for hurt me (which didn't really help). She then said I made bad decisions too such as hooking up with an ex after she and I broke up. That's when I kind of said this is going nowhere and told her that would have never happened if she hadn't left me and pointed out she is now in a relationship with a guy I had suspicions about the whole time we were together. Then she said something that just pushed me over the edge. She said she was sorry for wanting to live her life. I blew up, I said you know what, I'm sorry for anything bad I did to you, even though I can't ever think of a time I was bad to you. I'm sorry for anything and everything bad you think or feel I am. Then I just logged off, I didn't want to deal with it anymore. Alot of times my life seems like a bad dream lately. A dream I desperatly want to wake up from.
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Hmmm... [14 Sep 2003|08:23pm]
OK things didn't go exactly as planned but planned things never seen to be as fun right? Anyways, didn't see Once Upon A Time In Mexico, didn't get an OC girlie and didn't get my tat. Weekend sucked, right? No, wrong. I actually had a ton of fun this weekend. I went to my friend Chad's show and we hung out there for a while, drank some and went to his place aroun 2:30 where we sang happy birthday to a guy I don't even know (thought I think I met him once before), talked massive shit all around and played the James Bond 007 video game. Crashed there and woke up the next morning to watch some college football, went to get my friend Nick's hair cut which took for fucking ever, went to Hunington Beach downtown and went to a really good Mexican food place on the beach. Then we tried to get my tattoo it wasn't even a matter of being scared or chickenshit that prevented me from getting it. Quite the opposite, I was ready, willing and able to get it. I walked up, got a quote, talked to the artist a bit and went to pay the counter and they told me, "You can pay for it now but you have to come back in like 4 hours, we are booked solid". WFT is that about? There were like 6 people in the studio, 2 getting tattooed, me and Nick, and 2 women looking at books of logos. How does that turn into 4 hours wait? I was like ummm OK, I guess I'll get it another day...>=I...Anyways, we went back to Chad's house, get ready to go see the movie when Chad and his g/f said they were too tired for the movies but wanted to go out to dinner. Fair enough, they wake up early and had been staying up late. So we went to a mexican food place around the way where Nick and Chad (they are brothers BTW) talked about their childhood which brought me and Cha'd GF into the conversation and we ended up laughing our asses off at various childhood stories. They all had Cadillac margaritta's but I went with the Long Island Ice Tea. Holy fuck did they make it strong. I mean S-T-R-O-N-G!! I got a buzz off of one even. We went back and Nick and I watched Old School. That shit is funny, I never had seen it before then. It's like a cross between Animal House, Office Space and Fight Club all rolled into one. Well we woke up today watched some pro football and were checking our bets while yelling, screaming, cheering and being utterly loud. Good times. Nick and I made our way back out to the IE (Inland Empire) to visit his mom and dad who bought a new house. On the way we had a blow out in Norco and had to change the tire, that sucked. Made our way to their house then. This shit was HUGE and pimped the fuck out. It is the kind of house I would love to live in. There we talked with his parents for a while (I've seen his parents more times in the past year then he has, LOL). We all played pool on their new table which I kicked everyone's ass at royally. His mom made awesome tacos which I inhaled while we watched the Life of David Gale starring Kevin Spacey. Great movie. Anyhow I come home and what happens? First thing, my dad bitches at me for keep the fan on in my room. Fuck that shit, it gets hot as fuck here. Being as cheap as he is he never got an air conditioning unit so we resort to fans. Now he is bitching the fans cost too much. Screw that. I said, whatever, it's your house and I can't say anything. Anyhow, I can't fucking wait to go full time because I am gone the instant that happens. I'm sick of this shit. Now for the things I learned, nearly every woman in the OC is fucking beautiful. It must be something in the water or some kind of magnet for them. I need to move there apparently. Second, everyone's childhood is, for the most part, the same. The stories are quite similar but the names are changed. Third, don't plan shit, I've learned this before but always seem to fall into the trap and plans usually nevr come true. Unplanned things can be more fun though even when they sound like they won't. Lastly, fans apparently run up 500 dollar electric bills while huge industrial equipment which dim the lights in the house run on "magic". Fuck this house, really.
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Alrighty... [08 Sep 2003|10:31pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

So nothing really new to report, that's why I haven't updated. Same shit different day. I hate Monday's and Tuesday's. They leave me home alone ith nothing to do for half the day and no one to talk to. Misery!! Still looking forward to this weekend. Time to get drunk, get tattoos, go to the beach and with any luck get "some". I'm betting on the first three, not the fourth, LOL. I'm so looking forward to going to the gym soon. Get some buffness back in my, maybe the ladies will dig it. Most likely not but whatever, they aren't digging much on me as it is. Much props goes to </a></b></a>deathxlipgloss for her help this weekend, love ya girl. Digging the shit out of this new song I got. It is Thomas Trouble - Insane Asylum. Go get it. Well that's about it.

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So... [06 Sep 2003|01:08am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

I think I'm going to stick to the OG Garbage Burritto (from Rosa Maria's) rather then try other places so-called "Garbage Burritto's". Anyone who doesn't know, a garbage burritto is a burritto that has beans, rice, beef, cheese, lettuce, onions and tomatao's in it. Well at least it SHOULD according to the Garbage Burritto from heaven. Today I tried a different place then Rosa Maria's and the burritto was HUGE, over a foot long so that was cool. It even tasted pretty good despite missing tomatao's and chesse. The problem came later in the day as my stomach has been doing flip flops since eatting it. YIKES!! Anyways, watched a movie called Moon Warriors which is a kung fu movie that Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace was supposedly based on. I can see alot of simularities but I wouldn't go so far as to say it inspired The Phantom Menace. Hopefully by this time next month I'll have my tat and will have started going to the gym or about to start the gym. Trying to get my mind, body and soul straight to move my life to the next level.

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OK... [04 Sep 2003|12:35am]
Man work was stressful today. Got to work on my first stocklisting which they told me is due tomorrow, FUCKING HELL!! Hehehe, it's OK though, i got 2/3 of it done today and can finish the other 1/3 tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to seeing my friend from texas on the 12th. I hope to catch Once Upon A Time In Mexico while he is out too. Looking to get a tan on my white boy body too because we'll hit up the beach while he is out. Suddenly I'm on a Hindu/East Indian music downloading trip. Found some good artists too, Bally Sagoo and Panjabi MC. Don't ask me what made me start downloading that style of music because I have no clue!! A friend of mine got raped this weekend which just pisses me off. I mean what the fuck is wrong with some guys? You can't get laid on your own merits so you have to take something that doesn't belong to you? FUCK THAT! There is no excuse for that, ZERO. Rapists should have their dicks cut off and shoved down their throats and given no clothes in prison. See how they like being violated. Nearly every woman that is in my life or has been in my life was raped at some point in their life, that is so incredibly frustrating to my sense of right and wrong. What the hell is wrong with some guys? Grrrr. Moving on before I go off on a ten page rant. I watched a great movie last night. The movie was called "The Believer". It's about a young Jewish man who is also a Neo-Nazi skinhead. It's been put on my 10 favorite list, it's very heavy stuff. I need to join a movie viewing club or something. Saving money seems so damn hard lately, and it isn't even that I'm going out spending it either. It just disappears out of the blue it seems. I got paid yesterday and it's gone already. I didn't even buy anything either. It's like gas, bills, bills, gas and bills. Football season starts tomorrow, I love football. So for the next ohhhh about 20 weeks I have something to watch on Sundays...awesome since NOTHING is on the television Sundays. Being a total nerd/dork I'm also looking forward to the season premiere of Star Trek which airs Wednesday. Still looking for my damn sunglasses I just bought like 2-3 months ago, I seem to have lost them somewhere. Well that's about it, a huge braindump into my LJ...=)
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Strange... [02 Sep 2003|12:00pm]
[ mood | bored ]

As I browse LJ more often lately I've noticed a disturbing trend, at least in California. Tons, Flocks, Masses of LJ people are breaking up right now or have broken up in the last 2-3 months. Like every LJ I go to lately someone is talking about their hearts being broken or breaking someone elses. I don't know if it's because of Summer, or the water, or what. Just a random observation.

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Hmmmm [01 Sep 2003|02:29am]
When to a co-workers house today and watched one of the weirdest individuals I've ever seen in my life. That individual is GG Allin. Good god he is (was) beyond out there. GG Allin was a punk rocker who performed nude all the time, randomly punched people at his shows (men or women), crapped on stage, had women piss in his mouth, sing to his poo, fling his poo, cut his skin, bash himself in the head until he would bleed and many many more things. Yeah it was entertaining to watch but painful at the same time. His songs are pretty damn amusing too. Give it a look or listen for a good laugh.
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Ummmm OK.... [31 Aug 2003|11:39am]
My sleep last night was weird. I drempt of my ex-gf with her new bf. Her best friend was showing me pics on a camera like rubbing it in. It was weird. What is more weird is I am over my ex (at least *I* think I am) but I got pissed off, like big time in the dream. I think it was because of a conversation I had with Vivian (known as neuroticnymph on LJ) last night before I went to bed about not having any friends to do shit with and my ex came up a few times in the conversation. I guess I still have hidden feelings I haven't purged yet. Next step, purge hidden feelings, hehe. Last night I went to my friend's concert. I had a good time. His whole family was there, who I know and it was his mom's birthday (practically my second mom). the concert was my best friend's brother who used to be in the band (hed)PE and is currently in a band called Humanlab. He has become a friend of mine because I designed his site, which he loves, and I've been going to his shows as often as I can. My brother had a medical scare, which in turn scared me. Everything turned out to be just fine which really relieved me. Well that's about it. Oh my friends list is down to 30 now. I'm feeling better about having a smaller list now so expect more to be gone soon too.
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There... [30 Aug 2003|01:15am]
My list of "Friends" was 64...It is now 32. The half I cut were people who never once gave a shit about a thing I said, so fuck em, they're gone. There are still a few on my list of "Friends" who haven't uttered a word but I'm keeping around because I still, strangely, read thier lives and comment on their journals. That, however, may soon change as well. It's purge time. Also, just because you added me back, don't think you're safe either. If I deleted you and you *DO* give a shit, let me know. I'll be more then happy to add you back but I want active participants in my life, not by-standers. I'd rather be alone then have 100 fake friends.
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Grrr... [30 Aug 2003|12:47am]
I feel like moving to the desert where no one will bother me. No internet, no phone, no nothing. People utterly piss me off lately. Everyone it seems. No one at all seems to want to contact me, talk to me, anything. Even most of the people on LJ of all places. I think I'm going to dump alot of people off my friends list REAL soon. There are people I think who have added me back just to have more friends on their list or despite me showing interest in them and their lives can't find the simple time to take interest in mine. Screw that. This isn't aimed at anyone specific. I just feel alot of people are either taking me for granted or simply don't give two shits about me. That's fine and doesn't bother me, but don't be suprised if some of you end up dropped off my list. This goes for people in real life as well. I'm sick of trying to reach out to others only to have them think I'm below them or they don't have to reach out as well. Not only am I going to drop people off my LJ list, I'm going to dump people off my AIM list, cell phone and e-mail lists. If people can't take the simple time reply to my comments, messages or e-mails then fuck em. Seriously, F-U-C-K THEM! I know I'm worth it, if others don't see that then THEY aren't worth MY time. Yeah I'm pissed, YOU deal with it. Don't like it? Remove me, THAT simple. I might change my mind tomorrow, I might not. So yeah, Grrrrr!!!
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New Stuff... [29 Aug 2003|01:28pm]
My work schedule is going to change which is good. It makes it alot easier as my two jobs will all be in straight days as opposed to 1 day here, 3 there, 2 here that has been happening. Now it's 3 and 3. Also I've advanced in learning at my engineering job. I feel alot better about that as I have been nervous about my footing at that job for the past 2 weeks. Going to a concert of my friend's on Saturday. Still on a DVD buying craze. I need new clothes too. Why, I dunno. I never go out anywyas...>=I
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Well... [27 Aug 2003|09:05pm]
I appears as if almost all of you don't like posts that are thought out as my last post proves. You apparently like me just sitting down bitching about my life and replying to that. I guess I can and will do that then...=\
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Random Entry #309 [26 Aug 2003|12:21am]
Ok so I've been thinking about what to write in my journal for about an hour here goes:

My whole day sucked. Not because the WHOLE DAY SUCKED but because I got kicked in the balls *HARD* at tae kwon do. That made the whole day bad, hehe. Good god it hurt.

Next, a list of music I've been listening to. I've not seen someone do this other then the one "listening to" song on each entry. This is just a list of general music I've found myself listening to alot of hitting repeat on my players:

U2 - Beatiful Day
Paul Oakenfold - Dark Machine
Juno Reactor - Pistolero
Tribesmen - The Gallery
Remedy feat. Cilvaringz & Rza - Muslim And A Jew
Jedi Mind Tricks - Tibetan Black Magicians
Jedi Mind Tricks - Kublai Khan
Jedi Mind Tricks - Rise Of The Machines (Advance/Evanesence Version)
Canibus - Levitibus

I'd look forward to anyone sharing songs they are really into right now. I mean REALLY. Something that you have on repeat. Don't say a whole CD either. A certain song that really really gets in your bones.

If you are in a music slump go to http://www.gnoosic.com/ and type in three bands you like. It will tell you other bands similar to those three. You might find something you didn't know you liked.

There was a nice lightening show going on tonight. It lit up the whole sky at times. Really beautiful.

Cherry slurpee's are quite possibly one of the best beverages in existence. the only problem is they bloat you out soooo bad. The classic battle of pain vs. pleasure, hehe.

About to go on a kick. As soon as I go full time at my job which will be in 1 or 2 months (hopefully) then I'm going to rejoin the gym and hit it hard. I used to be pretty big and have lost some of it over the years. I'm not fat or out of shape right now but I want the mass back that I had. I plan on getting it back. Add to that I plan on eatting better. We'll see if that happens. The gym WILL happen though.

My tat is coming soon also. My guess is in 2 weeks when one of my best friends comes out for vacation. The tat will definately rule too. It's going to be about 3 inches and go on my upper right arm/shoulder area. Right above my bicep. Here it is:



That's all for this entry.
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Fun Times... [25 Aug 2003|10:27am]
Yesterday was pretty fun actually. I worked early so I could go see Summerslam with some people I know. (Summerslam is a WWE wrestling Pay per view). So I got to my friend Art's house around 4:00 and he and his girlfriend Jean and I left. Art has been a good friend but never one of my best friends because he lives so far. Art was the guy who gave me my first booking as a DJ and he is also a producer on my record label I own. Anyways, we head off to LA to go to another DJ, his name is Jason. For the longest time I used to not like Jason just because of the music he played. However, the past two times I've actually sat down and talked to him and met him in person I've come to think he's a really awesome guy who is into ALOT of the same shit I am. Anyways he get there, watch the pay per view and cheer, hoot, hollar and boo. Good times indeed. I'm definately going to have to make that a monthly event for each pay per view. Another thing got cleared up as well yesterday which was good also. So overall the day went really well...=) That's a first in a while, hehe.
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Nice... [24 Aug 2003|02:07pm]
marquis
You are the Marquis Da Sade. Even stripped of
exaggerations, Your real life was as dramatic
and as tragic as a cautionary tale. Born to an
ancient and noble house, you were married
(against your wishes) to a middle-class heiress
for money, caused scandals with prostitutes and
with your sister-in-law, thus enraging your
mother-in-law, who had you imprisoned under a
lettre de cachet for 14 years until the
Revolution freed you. Amphibian, protean,
charming, you became a Revolutionary,
miraculously escaping the guillotine during the
Terror, only to be arrested later for
publishing your erotic novels. You spent your
final 12 years in the insane asylum at
Charenton, where you caused another scandal by
directing plays using inmates and professional
actors. You died there in 1814, virtually in
the arms of your teenage mistress.
You are a revolutionary deviant. I applaud you.


Which Imfamous criminal are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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OK... [24 Aug 2003|01:16am]
[ mood | bored ]

Soooo I'm sitting here home on a Saturday night with no one online to talk to, nowhere to go out to and no one to call up. This fucking blows so much. God I hate my miserable life so much. The boredom is eatting me alive. I watched Spun tonight. It was OK, nothing great really. I've seen alot better movies. It felt like a cheap knock-off of Requiem For A Dream. Alot of parts were funny though. I guess I'll just go to bed and hope tomorrow is better.

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Grrr.... [22 Aug 2003|06:42pm]
It's strange, I've been very edgey and crabby today. Easily irritable even. Someone takes too long doing something I start to bitch, someone says or does something I don't like I yell at them, someone wastes my time I start being a smartass. I've noticed it myself and I'm sure the people around me have as well (although they don't say anything). The thing is, I don't know why I'm acting this way. There is no real reason for it. I think it breaks down to two things. First, I want to go out so fucking badly I could scream. There is like no way to make new friends in person on LiveJournal it seems. No one on LJ lives near , well no one I care to associate with so far. It's fucking bizzare because I live in a VERY populated place. Everyone I've been finding cool lives in Northern California. Namely the San Fransisco/Bay Area. Now, I can't exactly up and move but I can bitch so bitch I'll do. There are other cool people on LJ, OK? I'm just saying MOST live up north. Second, I need a freaking woman, or a woman that comes around more often. Let me break it down a little for you dense people out there, I need some sex. That could explain ALOT of the bitchiness really. Blah!
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